Monday, 09 March 2009

• Marriage: Leave, Cleave, and Become One

  
  

  Marriage
  
  I must be clear about what I mean by marriage. As I speak of marriage, I am not talking about functional marriages, tolerable marriages, good marriages, or happy marriages. This presentation is about a form of marriage “ordained of God.”  In other words, when I speak of marriage, I am referring to a form of marriage as God’s sees it and what He expects.
  
  Surely not all marriages are “ordained of God.”  In fact, God does not even condone certain types of marriages.  But He does condone and ordain marriages that are according to His plan. Young men and young women who would live the happiest lives would do well to prepare themselves to be worthy of the form of marriage which God has ordained.  As we read the scriptures, we find God is quite specific in His expectations and outcomes of His sanctioned marital relationships.
  
  The form of marriage ordained of God is not a new concept. Godly marriage is a “heavenly and eternal form of marriage which was administered to Adam and Eve in the beginning.”  We must be clear, in order to obtain the blessings of a divinely sanctioned marriage, it must be according to God’s plan.  When it comes to the work of the Lord and the attainment of his purposes, it is not enough to obtain a good result—it must be done in the right way.  Unless we are alert, we are easily deceived by those who praise and pursue a worthy end, but who remain obscure about the means used to achieve it.
  
  Consider the heavenly and eternal form of marriage which was administered to Adam and Eve in the beginning by reading Gen 2:24 "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  Herein we find three aspects of a “God-ordained marriage”: (1) leave, (2) cleave, (3) become one.  When understood correctly, these are necessary in every Godly marriage and thus, worthy of sincere consideration (or perhaps reconsideration).  One must leave, so one can cleave, and cleaving is necessary for a couple to achieve “oneness.”
  
  Leaving:
  
  The command given Adam to “leave his father and his mother” has been reiterated throughout the ages by the prophets, seers, and revelators.  Couples would do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from the in-laws on either side. . . . Their married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.
  
  Sometimes parents make it difficult (if not impossible) for some couples to become one because they impede the process of leaving.  Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers for advice and counsel and to confide; whereas cleaving should be to the wife or husband in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others.  Parents should not distract new couples from appropriately leaving.  Parents who hold, direct, and dictate to their married children and draw them away from their spouses are likely to regret the possible tragedy.  Some wonder what possible “tragedy” awaits such couples. Perhaps the tragedy is the form of marriage the couple might have had, had they only been given the opportunity to leave appropriately.
  
  While leaving is difficult and painful, it is necessary and serves a greater overall need.  In fact, leaving has always been part of the operations of God.  Consider the practical example of the Lord’s pattern of leaving.  When Christ called His first apostles, they not only “left their nets” (Mat 4:20) but they “left their father in the ship, and followed Him” (Mat 4:22).
  Although the scriptures specifically mention leaving “father and mother,” the principle at hand teaches that leaving is more than just leaving “home.”  Principally we must also leave many other things.  For example, we might need to leave familiar patterns of former friendships and/or those who were our former confidants.  Some have never left “singleness,” worldliness, or a premarital lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.  We should review our relationships and see if we might need to exercise the principle of leaving better.  Please understand that leaving is not abandonment.  It may be hobbies, choices of how one uses their personal discretionary time, who they choose to spend time with, or their quest and love for things prohibit a couple from cleaving to each other and becoming one.
  
  Appropriately leaving fosters four needful outcomes: independence, exercise of choice, a new identity, and development of commitment.
  
  1. Independence.
  
  Leaving creates opportunities for a couple to create a needed independence. As a couple develops independence, confidence and strength in each other grows. Thus the early counsel of “leaving his father and his mother” creates a sense of independence.  When two people marry the spouse should become the confidant, the friend, the sharer of responsibility, and they two become independent.  With this in mind we can understand a couple’s married life should become independent of her parents and his parents.
  
  This does not require one to jettison their family, friends, and relatives.  While still gleaning counsel and help, a couple must learn to independently work together if they expect to become one.  They must live their own lives, being governed by their own decisions, by their own prayerful considerations after they have received the counsel from those who should give it.  This clearly underscores that “leaving” is not abandonment.  Appropriate counsel and help are not only acceptable, they are often necessary.  But “leaving” requires a restructuring of old habits and methods in order to develop a new perspective of independence and reliance.
  
  Unfortunately, some couples may strive to achieve a sense of independence from others and create a sense of loyalty to each other that not only corrodes other relationships but defeats the whole purpose of “leaving.”  In such relationships, a spirit of competition or enmity develops that ultimately drives the couple into difficulties.  Some couples try to create an independence that ultimately eliminates even the influence of God.  I have heard marriage ceremonies where couples state their love is even more powerful than God.  Love can conquer all, they suppose, and nothing can separate them.  In heartwarming verse, they claim their love is independent of all things, all men, and even of God.  While some may perceive this as romantic, sincere, and dedicated, it is nothing more than self-centered justification and yields only shallow, hollow results.  Trading personal spirituality for what some think is loyalty is dangerous. 
  
  While the Lord desires His disciples to become independent “above all other creatures,” He clearly reminds us that He reigns supreme and we are to become independent of all things except Him. Even the holy order of marriage cannot supercede God.
  
  2. Exercising Choice.
  
  Commitment to certain choices means leaving other options and choices behind.  When one chooses to appropriately leave something behind in favor of the marriage and family, a bond of respect, gratitude, and reverence is formed.
  
  Leaving allows us to make choices that demonstrate our true character. In turn, the choices we make (and thus leave behind) not only reflect our character but ultimately determine our destiny. In the popular Harry Potter series, Harry is told, “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we are, far more than our abilities.”
  
  3. Creating a new identity.
  
  The Lord teaches that those who partake of His glory must be “born again” (John 3:3; John 3:7; 1 Peter 1:23).  Think of how many times we have left a familiar and comfortable existence only to be reborn.  How could we possibly think marriage (at least God-ordained marriage) would not also require a rebirth?  The conversion (rebirth) we must achieve requires us to be a good husband and father or a good wife and mother.
  
  We are to leave our old identities, singleness, habits, etc., we are also creating a new identity—together.
  
  4. Developing Commitment.
  
  The Torah (first five books of the Old Testament) taught a deep commitment and devotion to parents.  Yet the Torah teaches the commitment to a spouse is to exceed even the biblical level of devotion and respect to parents (Genesis 2:24).  No one should come between the husband and wife, not even the parents.
  
  Our choices to leave (not just home life) become of paramount importance because they lay a foundation of commitment.  Placing one’s mate and marriage as a high priority, is a key part of dedication commitment.  Without leaving (or reordering) our past, we cannot lay a foundation based on commitment.  I know so many people who have difficulty committing to anything. Perhaps our society struggles with commitment because it cannot leave alternatives and options behind.  We have come to believe that we can “have it all” and as a result we end with very little or nothing.
  
  Cleave
  
  After one “leaves,” then one is expected to “cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).  The term cleave, as used in the scriptures, is derived from poskallah (Greek) and/or dawbak (Hebrew). Poskallah means “to glue or join.” Dawbak is interpreted as “to cling/adhere, stick, catch by pursuit,” or “to follow close.”  To cleave means to adhere closely, to stick together.  By scriptural definition, we find God expects us to “cling” to our spouses, to “stick” with them.  Apparently, this is a work in progress, for we must “follow closely” and “catch by pursuit.” Like “leaving,” there is more to “cleaving” than many assume.
  
  One’s spouse should be treated in special regard.  The spouse becomes preeminent in the life of the husband and wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.  While some may say this perspective is excessive, unrealistic, or doesn’t really apply to their type of relationship, the point is this does apply to the form of marriage ordained by God.
  
  The dangers of pornography. In addition to so many other outcomes of this insidious vice, pornography is corrosive to marriages because it violates the very act of cleaving. Jesus taught “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Lusting, in this verse, is translated from the Greek eptihumeo, meaning “to set the heart upon.” When we cleave to our spouse and none else, our heart is already set upon those we treasure and it cannot be shared—even in thought.
  I remember hearing about a married man looking wantonly at other women in a restaurant. He said, “It is fine to look at the menu as long as you don’t order.” I was taken aback by his callous approach.  His actions and his words were lacking any sense of cleaving.  Cleaving requires more of husbands and wives.  Avoid flirtations of any kind.  As a good rule of thumb, we should ask ourselves: “Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?” Cleaving is about making choices that reflect our priorities and our energies.  Without appropriately cleaving, a marriage can never become one.
  
  Becoming One
  
  Some people feel that married couples assimilate each other in mannerisms, interests, habits, etc. Some go as far as to say that some couples even begin to look like each other.  What does it mean when it is said that “they twain shall be one flesh”?
  
  His, hers, and ours marital philosophy under the tidy heading of “marital ladders.”  He and his wife are on similar but separate ladders, a kind of “his and hers” set.  Each spouse supports the other in their personal activities and goals and climb at their own pace and discretion.  Not only did I find this metaphor odd according to scriptures, but I found some practical problems with it as well.
  
  If we work at our own pace, it is only a matter of time until we find we are apart.  Pacing is vital in companionships, especially learning to pace together.  It is clear my problems with the “his and hers ladders” are not only about pacing, but about how they hinder togetherness.
  Solomon explained the benefit of working and being together (versus individual prodding) nicely as “two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).  In addition to the help and support, the Lord also warned of dividing our energies.  He said, “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.  Ye cannot serve God and mammon” (Matthew 6:24).  When marital ladders are not against the same building, the Savior’s comments of serving two masters become painfully obvious.  But in reality, even when marital ladders are side by side—regardless of their proximity—they are still twain and not one ladder.
  
  While the world is fascinated with the idea that men and women hail from Mars and Venus and must somehow make the best of earth life, God believes that we can take our differences and only then become whole.  In the Lord’s plan, it takes two—a man and a woman—to form a whole.
  
  Oneness or unity is often spoken of in the scriptures.  I would like to point out three illustrations of oneness (unity) used in the scriptures to help us understand what the Lord means by “becoming one flesh.”
  
  1. One Body—One Flesh.
  
  Paul taught the Corinthians the principle of becoming “one” with the metaphor of the body. “For the body is not one member, but many” (1 Cor. 12:14). In spite of the numerous parts of a body and the obvious differences, Paul said, “And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you” (1 Cor. 12:21). In summary, Paul taught, “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another” (1 Cor. 12:25). Paul hoped to teach the Corinthians that with care, differences could function as one.
  
  To reinforce that imagery of unity, the scriptures state God took a rib from Adam’s side to make Eve, not from his front that she should lead him and not from his back that she should despise him, but from his side, under his arm, close to his heart.  There, bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, husband and wife were to be united in every way, side by side.  Rather than thinking of separate entities, we think of one overall flesh.
  
  To become one body, one flesh each party must eliminate the ‘I’ and the ‘my’ and substitute therefore ‘we’ and ‘our.’  Every decision must take into consideration now two or more are affected by it.  This changes the perspective of the couple.  While it does not remove the individual plans, preferences, and goals, it does place both partners on a single, albeit expanded, ladder that must accommodate each other.
  
  While reshaping our marital ladder can happen at any point in a marriage, it is best if a couple does it early in their marriage.  They should realize before they take vows each must accept literally and fully the good of their new family must always be superior to the good of either spouse.  The important part isn’t so much when the joining occurs but that it does occur.
  Becoming one flesh requires both partners to think of the good of the family first.  Thus, all personal decisions really become partner decisions.  This applies to careers, finances, hobbies, emotional ties, etc.
  
  Couples that begin to think as one body, one flesh become closer.  They even talk as one.  Have you ever heard a father say something like, “when we were pregnant”?  While men can never fully experience pregnancy, they can experience the “we” of the experience, and it literally becomes “ours.”  This stance is also practical if something goes wrong.  It was “our” decision rather than being something that will haunt one person for years to come.
  
  2. The Godhead.
  
  The Godhead consists of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  The Bible describes this relationship where the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are one.  Jesus Christ taught, “I am in the Father, and the Father in me, and the Father and I are one”  Christ encouraged us to become one as He is one with the Father. He admonished us to be “even one in me as I am in the Father, as the Father is one in me, that we may be one” (Jhn 17:21). What a wonderful image. Distinct individuals unified to the point where they are indistinguishable.
  
  Combining Paint
  
  Consider the husband as blue paint and the wife as yellow paint.  They are to become one on the palette.  Some couples try to maintain their individuality and carefully combine their colors to make a checkerboard of blue and yellow squares.  It is true that they have “combined” to be one picture, yet they are distinct and separate.  Such couples find they are mostly thinking of their needs and working to accommodate their goals.  They are more roommates than partners.
  
  Another combination is where couples are willing to blend themselves in certain aspects of their marriages.  As a result, they find when they willingly combine their individual traits of blue and yellow, green is formed.  They discover, in small degrees, what becoming one means.  While they begin discovering oneness, however, they actually fight to maintain their distinctness in other areas of their married life.  Usually both partners are not willing to concede to a full partnership and as a result, a relationship where both blue and yellow are preserved while a smattering of green is in the middle.  Some couples will spend most of their married life negotiating areas where they are willing to blend.  Blending is typically avoided when couples fear they are giving up their individuality.
  
  Finally, consider a third possibility.  A relationship where blue and yellow have allowed themselves to be green.  They have created a new identity by becoming one.  For those who feel this option requires a loss of individuality, remember it requires individuality (blue or yellow) to create a new color.  In a way, this metaphor describes the Godhead.  Individuals of the Godhead are not lost in their formation.  They combine themselves in a way that avoids a collage configuration and instead producing a unified color creation.
  
  New Creatures
  
  It becomes quite clear to disciples of Christ that His way requires change—a transformation.  This transformation is more than merely offering what we have and who we are to Christ.  It requires a change of heart, a change of mind, and even a change of living.  Paul taught that “if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new” (2 Cor. 5:17).  We “leave” our circumstances, habits, dispositions, and sin as we “cleave” to Christ in our devotion, discipleship, and obedience.  With Godly sanctioned marriage, how can we possibly expect a process that will not require a genuine transformation?
  
  How many couples try to shape marriage to their own personal qualifications and experience rather than undertaking the process of trying to shape themselves to marriage—especially divinely sanctioned marriage?
  
  Marriage is the highest and holiest of all human relationship—or at least it ought to be.  Whether preparing for a marriage or adjusting a seasoned marriage, we can achieve the type of relationship it should be.  It will require an understanding of what a divinely sanctioned marriage is and then work to change ourselves to meet such expectations.
  
  These three aspects of marriage are essential in achieving depth in marital relationships and fulfillment in family life.  “and they shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:24). 
  
  

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